What do you want your partner to do when you have a migraine?

When I met Jeremy, I didn't ask for his medical records before falling in love with him. He mentioned he got "really bad migraines", and I thought oh, well that's fine.

And of course, had I known more, I wouldn't have changed the way I felt about him.

But it did come with days where he'd be completely wiped out. Ice pack, black-out curtains, prescription pick-ups and weekly neurologist appointments at his worst.

And I'm not going to lie, it was tough on me. How would it not be? I'm not trying to make it about me, but it would be a lie to say it didn't affect our life at all. Rather, I asked the question: how do I show up as the best partner for him, knowing he's already suffering so much? What's actually helpful?

Well, turns out there's a research paper on the impact of migraine on families.

Of course there is, and it's a big one. Researchers asked 13,064 people with migraine about their family, and in 4,022 couples they asked the partner too. The people with migraine felt its weight on the family more than their partners did, which makes sense to me. I could see the ice pack and the curtains, but he was the one living inside it.

Almost half didn't feel believed

One number in it stopped me, and I think every partner should see it. Among people with chronic migraine, 43.9% felt their partner didn't believe how bad their migraines were, or how much they took from their life. So before the ice packs and the prescription pick-ups, I'd put this first: believe him when he says it's bad.

A listener before a fix

Believing him is step one. For what to actually do, the best answers came from people with migraine themselves, talking about the partners who get it right. My favorite is a birthday present, and I'll save it for last.

The first one comes from a man with chronic migraines and a long list of other conditions. His wife has been to his doctor visits and surgeries, so she knows how bad things get. Still, sometimes she goes straight to solutions, and he has to stop her:

"babe I am not looking for a fix I'm looking for a listener"

He calls it "an autopilot thing for her," and when he says it, "she snaps out of it."

His line stuck with me. When someone you love tells you how bad it is, it's worth asking them: do you want help fixing this, or do you just need me to listen? Ask every time, because the answer can change.

"Patented sound technology"

Listening doesn't mean you have to be serious, either. One woman's boyfriend kisses her forehead and then hums loudly against it, so her whole forehead vibrates. That's his "patented sound technology." Every time she says her head hurts, he says it's time for his treatment, and she laughs every time. She wrote:

"It doesn't take away the pain but it sure does make me laugh"

The birthday present

One husband gave his wife light dimmer switches for hers, and she wrote: "What a relief to not have to make the place pitch black or crazy bright lights." On our bad nights, we had a towel over the window. I wish I'd thought of that one.

I used to lie awake next to Jeremy on those nights with nothing useful to do. I'd have loved to know all this back then.

If you love someone with migraine, believing them when they say it's bad is the place to start.

What's one small thing your partner does during a migraine that actually helps? Tell us in the comments.